Good Vibrations
By Anne Wycoff


I hate cell phones. I detest their vibrations, photos and illusions of communication. I think it’s a pathetic commentary on our civilization now that we have become a society of cheery beeps and ringer tones. We personalize those annoying rings as if they were a concoction of Starbucks coffee. Sadly, in today’s world of nano second lifestyles, a cell phone has become a necessity.

My loathing for cell phones was cemented with the surge of the head-set style. I was in a grocery store a few years ago when the new head-set style came out. As I picked through the fruit, I heard a gentlemen say, “No, not that one, the other one is better.” Thinking I was in the presence of some green grocer guru, I switched my choice of peaches and asked, “Is this one better?” “Well, that’s your call, I’d go with the one we looked at before.” I was confused: First, the green grocer guru tells me to switch peaches and now he is saying it’s up to me and maybe the first one would be better. I just don’t have that kind of time. I want to give the produce a slight squeeze, make a decision and move on. I finally chose the first one, piled more into my cart and turned to give the green grocer guru a piece of my mind: “Thanks a lot buddy, what do you do all day? Stand around the produce aisle stalking bewildered, domestically-challenged women just so you can feel superior?” Turning in time to see the green grocer guru utter in mid air, “Well Mike, I would seriously consider the consequences of that choice, but again, it’s your call, OK, well-let me know how it goes. Nope, I’m halfway through the list, my wife will kill me if I don’t get it all, OK, bye.”

Panicked, I took a sudden interest in the melons as he passed by.

Cell phones have come a long way since then. The coveted new razor and apple ‘everything’ cell phone will eventually become obsolete, replaced with a microchip inserted into our Veneers. We will be able to just lick one tooth and instantly, an image will appear behind our eyeballs or a phone number will be dialed.

The biggest dilemma for cell users has been, to vibrate or not to vibrate. I’m not gonna lie to you, I am a big fan of anything that vibrates, but sometimes, the vibrating option can get annoying. We were at the movies the other night and my phone vibrated. It was my kids, wondering if they could have more ice cream. “Is the ice cream, house or any person on fire?” I asked in a heated whisper. “No,” they answered in meek voices.
“Then don’t call unless there is a real emergency.”

The reason to vibrate is so you can screen calls (well, one of the reasons to vibrate). It’s the modernized version of an answering machine. You can see who is calling and on some phones, you can listen to the voice mail they are leaving and decide if it’s worth answering. Naturally, I needed to take a course on modern technology just to initiate and locate my vibrate option. And here’s a ding to your ring-a-ding-ding: The Geek Patrol, nationally known for making house calls for techno emergencies, won’t come out for cell phone quandaries.

For those of us techno-challenged, downloading songs into our cell phones should be an award-winning feat. After several lessons from my kids on downloading songs, I use my cell phone as an ipod. The i-pod look deters some unsolicited conversations at the gym. However, since I exercise very early in the morning, there they are: Every old geezer in town and they are full of wisdom and chatter. After all, they get up at four, eat a huge breakfast with all their cronies, then make their way to their water aerobics and free weights class. Elderly are territorial about their weight machines. The other day, I nearly received an old lady ass kicking because I broke the sacred rules of engagement at the gym: Don’t talk to anyone with an ipod and never forget to sign in for your turn at every machine. Adding to her disgruntled demeanor was that it was nearly ten A.M., you know? Nap time. I noticed she had a new apple ‘everything phone’. Learning my lesson, I keep my phone vibrating and my tunes on full throttle. This precaution doesn’t deter the pervie old farts: These old guys use enough Grecian formula to rot their brains, eluding them into thinking they still got it and their old lines will work on women half their age.

What bothers me the most about these confident elderly jocks, is that they actually think someone like me(stuck in middle age) would be interested. This morning, one old stalker (who doubles the Ewwww factor by resembling my father. Complete with the old man, mayor of Munchkin-Land eyebrows) followed me to the inner thigh weight machine and proceeded to stare at my eyes: My aureolas.

After a few grunts and dramatic weight lifting on the floor directly in front of me, he lowered his magnified eye wear and exclaimed, “Wow You’re in great shape, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone stretch their legs that far.” I pretended not to hear him with my earphones on. It worked for about two seconds until he stood up and lifted one of my earphones, “You’re in great shape Would you like to get a coffee after our workout?”

Pretending my cell phone vibrated, I exclaimed, “Oh sorry, I have to get this.” Jumping up, I completed the dramatic effect by walking to the window for ‘better reception’ and had a one-way conversation until my stalker went on to another pair of unsuspecting aureolas.

Getting back to my inner thigh machine, I noticed a 20-something eye candy walking my way. He had abs of steel, sculpted biceps, gorgeous brown eyes, and a phone similar to mine with the earphones dangling across his buff shoulders. I smiled and said, “Good morning.”
Without missing a beat, he simultaneously nodded and inserted his earphones saying, “Oh, I have to get this.” He went to the window, giving me glances until my delusions of turning 20-something heads, evaporated.

Just goes to show you, good vibrations are in the eyes, pants and possibly thoughts of the beholder.
To get the download on cell phones, and cell phone etiquette, visit www.celldocs.com

©All Rights Reserved, Anne Wycoff, March 2007