Wax On, Wax Off

Hey guys, this is a repeat offender, but many of you have asked me to post this so here it is!

It’s official: Spring is here and so are the endless list of our home improvements. Our house needs painting, inside and out. Of course there are the normal, weekly chores: Hedge trimming, grass mowing and weed whacking. This brings to my twisted mind, the art of Spring hygiene. Ahh yes, the fashion dread for most people my gender: Swimsuit season. Paying tribute to the looming fashion season, I trekked to Bushwacker Mo’s, a small, trendy spa in Ukiah and I was met with a bit of a fashion shock:

The new trend is to trim your hedge, mow your grass and whack your weeds down to the roots. To eradicate any doubt, I took a survey from ladies of various ages. Eighty percent say that bald is beautiful. This brings about a lot of confusion: How bald? Is it the military buzz, or completely Vin Diesel? Who started this trend anyway? Probably the same people who dictate those fabulous fashions that only look great on anorexic run way models.

Most of us gals wait twelve years to get our hedges, lawns and weeds to grow. Now, everyone wants to kill theirs off with unusual forms of weed whacking hair removal, wax and shaving lotion. My brain automatically went to that warped place where I asked myself, "OK, so who in their right mind becomes a hedge trimmer, eight hours a day for a minimum wage, plus tips?"

The entire conversation one has with the weed whacker while they accomplish their task had my imagination working overtime: Do you make small talk while she is placing the warm wax and then ripping the hair out in all the wrong places? Do you stifle the scream? Perhaps in some cultures it’s OK to let out the archaic squeal after the wax is ripped, kind of like belching in public. Weed whacking isn’t for sissies, especially if you get what is fondly called, the Brazilian wax job. To me, it sounds crudely close to the Cuban neck tie. We are talking ripping hair out from the Glutenous Maximus Grand Canyon. I couldn’t imagine. It’s difficult enough to make small talk while your feet are in the stirrups. Will Numz-it be available? Is it more expensive to be wimpy?

Given that eighty percent of my poll voted for the trend, I decided a military air strip was the way to go, A.K.A.: Partial Brazilian. My journey to the feminist movement would stop at my low-pain threshold, even with the persuasive pro-bald arguments from the proprietor. Surprisingly, there really wasn’t much pain involved, with the exception of my wallet. Though Gilda, my Esthetician was as gentle as she could be, I still felt a sting of pain, handing over a twenty percent tip for what seemed to be a masochistic spa treatment.

Strolling around the pool at my health club, I was confident that my two weeks of rigorous Treadmill workouts and no visible weeds, would enable me to accomplish the modern woman’s exuberance.

I continued to relish in the after glow of my Darwinian movement as I made my way to yet another dreaded task: My dental appointment. I felt refined, enjoying my evolved leap into this new womanhood, until I noticed a slight tingling sensation happening south of the border. The tingling turned into a horrific itching. The itching turned into an obsession. While the hygienist left to get a new tool, I scratched and raked and twisted in my dentist chair, keeping an eye out for the intrusive hygienist. I managed to escape the dental office without committing a lewd and lecivious act of scratching my crotch in public.

In the privacy of my bathroom, I ripped my pants off to reveal the confirmed burn. Pinkish swelling of my bikini area told me to get out the aloe vera. This is an area that hasn’t been shaved in over sixth months. Some of my areas have never been shaved or for that matter, had never seen the light of day. Thankfully, my ancestory allows for a less hairy anatomy than my more anglo counterparts, so I won't have to endure (and repeat) this mashochistic ritual until the next swimsuit season. Reviewing this day made me chuckle at trying to be the modern woman and with the help and relief of aloe vera, I found my way out of the forest, so to speak.

Memory is funny sometimes: One can’t remember what one had for dinner, but can remember the small details of the recipe. My memory button cruelly hit act one, scene two: The dentist office had mirrors, everywhere. I remembered the hygienist and dentist smirking at me as I left. Flashes of laughter echoed after I closed the dental office door. I remember why I will forever be a traditional hedge, have long grass and wayward weeds.

Facts is facts Ladies: Shaving, waxing or plucking your “area” En Toto is not more aesthetic as most urban myths have us believe. In fact, most Gynecologist agree, that total removal of the hair is more harmful, causing in-grown hairs and skin rashes. In the last ten years, more women have visited their Gynecologist for in-grown hairs and razor rash issues than the usual health concerns.
Alternatives come at a hefty price, Laser hair removal lasts for six months and go from $500-up.
Electrolysis is permanent, but can take several procedures and costs more than the laser hair removal.
And last but not least, as most of us "seasoned" ladies should know: When a guy says he prefers the civilization of Brazil to a domesticated jungle because he gets "lost," then hand him a GPS, sign him up for the show, or better still, tell him dares go first.

For more information, you may contact your Gynecologist or go to www.webmd.com

Sources: Doctor Barbara Hameir, MD
Doctor Patrice Hyde, MD
©All Rights Reserved, Anne Wycoff, April 2008